What a year it's been
Jan 01 2024
… and with that, 2023 comes to a close.
What a year it’s been for me personally. It’s hard to believe how much my life has changed over the year (for the better!); it feels like it’s been way way longer than a year.
I thought it’d be nice to write down some of my current thoughts,
sitting here at 12:30 in the morning of the first day of 2024.
Because of this, this is really a rambly stream-of-conciousness type piece. Expect many omissions and recency bias.
I should probably start by thinking about all the things that happened in 2023, some of which I still find hard to believe.
First of all, I met so many amazing people and feel
truly blessed to have gotten the chance to. They completely changed my
life and I’m incredibly glad.
I managed to talk myself into visiting a pride parade in my hometown in August and my life as simply been a rollercoaster since then thanks to the friends and now parters that I found through that.
On a slightly sadder note, while I met many amazing people, I sadly also lost a few. Sometimes I still wonder what they are up to. Anyways.
The polycule I now find myself in has just been incredibly comfy and I have big hopes for it to stay that way going into this year. It’s been so loving and wonderful to get the chance to call the people around me my partners.
I’m simply immensely grateful for everyone that helped me get through the year, and hope that I get to spend time with y’all more next year. <3
my identity, in the middle of all of this
Speaking of partners, my identity in all axes shifted a good
I finally am at a point where I consider myself to have finished transition (what a battle that was and how glad I am to finally be comfortable in my still-very-clearly-trans body, woo!), and shortly after had a lot of realizations about who I am as a person and who I want to be.
The short version of it:
- Turns out I am actually non-binary after all, and it/they feels very cozy. I think I needed to finish transition before I could mentally break out of binary gender and admit to myself that living as a woman never felt right to me either.
- Along with that: names. The discomfort I had with my previous one also stemmed from how much I assotiated it with femininity, I was just unwilling to admit that to myself in fear of having my identity fall apart.
- Turns out I am not “demi-aroace”! I am in fact very
much aromantic, but also very much pansexual
- What helped me realize the last point was also coming to terms with the fact that, at least for me, monogamy is bullshit. My current philosophy probably closest aligns with relationship anarchy, in that I do not agree with hierarchical relationships and imposing rules on others, and as an aromantic person in now 4 relationships, really like the idea of customizing your commitments with others, no matter how you label your relationships.
an unexpected passion
One thing that also more or less properly started this year was my passion for photography, specifically analog stuff. When I replayed Life is Strange in October 2022 and decided on a whim to buy a Polaroid 635, I did not expect it to become such a big part of my life shortly down the line!
Currently I truly find joy in photography, mainly just taking pictures of what catches my eye, and it has become probably my biggest hobby besides being a computer nerd. Film is a lot of fun and Polaroids will stay close to my heart.
Some other things that were probably not big enough for their own section, but that I want to mention regardless:
- I finally dared myself to dye my hair and loved the result.
Also found some clothing I vibe with; as a result of both I finally feel like it is understandable when one calls me pretty
- I managed to write some more on my emulator and operating system. Not as much as I’d hoped for either, but I’m still quite happy that I managed to get something done.
- I very recently switched to NixOS and am very happy about that
- Finally managed to make my current living space a place I feel like I can call home, and it’s finally cozy.
- I changed universities, and have been doing much better at my new one.
- Wanted to go to the gym, but failed to commit and more or less admitted defeat after a few months. Something to work on next year.
- Sadly got into monetary troubles a bit and am still not doing well financially. I’m managing, but would really like to see that I get a better side job sometime this year.
Things to improve on
While it was a really good year, there are still some points where I, at this point, feel like I can do better. Mainly points of self-improvement.
So here’s a list, so that future me can look at it and feel bad:
- Do more sports. I did for a little bit, but didn’t manage to.
- Finally cut my hair. I’ve been very afraid of cutting it since I worry it’ll not be to my liking, but it slowly also feels like I’m clinging on to a past (feminine) identity that really doesn’t fit anymore.
- Figure out a solution to monetary woes, so I can finally stop having to worry about every little spending.
- Get some piercings, maybe tattoos. Closely related to the last point as I’ve also simply not had the money for it so far.
- I want to switch to a fully vegan diet sooner or later. Am already vegetarian, but want to improve on that.
- Get more focused in my photography efforts. I’ve been having a lot of fun, but want to learn some formal shooting technique and improve the technical side of my photos
- Go to more events with lots of people; get out there and experience things.
Now that I’ve spent some time rambling about my year, the main thing I want to do this year is spend more time with the people dear to me. I’m really hopeful for keeping many of the great connections I’ve made last year and hope to meet many more amazing folk.
To anyone reading this who knows me personally; thank you. May we spend many more good times together in this upcoming year.> cd ..